Who's got your remote?

A while back, I was complaining to a friend about someone in my life that was pushing my buttons. That friend told me that other person had my remote. And, that I gave it to them. That was a profound realization. I'd heard teachings before about how you give up your power when you succumb to reaction. But somehow, the simplicity and clarity of that statement allowed me to understand it in a whole new way.

I got my buttons pushed while on retreat with Gurudevi and my kula. That is the Guru's job - to push our buttons. How else will we know when they are no longer active? The Guru doesn't always have to do the button pushing. Sometimes it's other people in our lives that provide the service.

I was flying in the face of my shit sometimes, and would crash into someone else flying in the face of theirs. Sometimes, I hung on to my remote. Other times, I handed it over without a conscious thought. Every time I caught myself giving my remote away, I tried to learn from it.

I got to the point where I could hang on to my remote. But I was clutching it, white knuckled, with a little feeling of superiority for not giving my remote away. You know what I learned? That's still a reaction. You see, in the clutching of my remote, my buttons were still getting pushed.

I subscribe to a daily email called "Notes from the Universe". It's a great subscription, and I find the notes very timely and meaningful. Last Thursday, which was the last day of the retreat, my note from the Universe was this...

"OK, Kelly, go ahead and think of the one "thing" that really scares you, bothers you, or challenges you the most right now…

Come on. This won't work if you don't think of something…

Then repeat after me:

"This is better than winning the lottery! What a gift! Because as I use it to understand why it affects me as it does, even though I remain literally cloaked in miracles, powerful beyond measure, and utterly free in this very moment to think and feel and manifest without limit, such new insights, perhaps more than any others I've gleaned from my entire life, will make me happier, healthier, and wealthier than I even knew I could hope to be. All because of this gift! Hallelujah! Lucky me! I'll miss it when it's gone… sort of."

You really will -

  The Universe

P.S. Kelly, "as I use it" should not be confused with "as I endure it, suffer it, or accept it." Huge difference."

I repeated that out loud, several times, until I really believed it. Until I could recognize the gift that it was. That practice, and the recognition of that gift was invaluable for what came next.

I found myself in a situation with a person who was in relapse. Relapse, as you may know, is a sign of rapid change. It can show up as pain, illness, or mental disturbance. That relapse showed up as misplaced anger. It was misplaced on me. I had choices about how to respond.

The gift of my buttons being pushed during the retreat was clarity and steadiness. I could see what was going on, and how it didn't have anything to do with me. Sometimes it was hard to hang onto my remote, and I would start to clutch it. But the practice I got with button pushing during the retreat improved my skills. The time I spent on retreat with my Guru and my kula brought me to a new depth inside. From that depth, I could respond to this situation from a place of love and support. It wasn't easy, and it took a concerted effort. But I did it! Not only that, what I was responding to didn't change how I responded (most of the time).

I know this post is vague, intentionally so. I wasn't really sure how to share my experience that was a result of interactions with other people. Because it's not about them, it's about me, and how I respond to my external environment. I've thought about how to share this for several days. And I knew that I had to put the words to this experience. Putting words to your experience is powerful, and this experience was a big deal. It is a big deal.

The fact is, that second wave of interactions, with the misplaced anger, was quite a life marker. I was able to see, in the moment, how the different choice I was making provided a massively different result inside. That perspective has reframed some painful experiences in my life. What a gift, indeed!